Not all of them — not You, I hope, the friendly peaceful majority. I mean those scary out-there old school balls deep 4th century-thinking scimitar-bearing bloodletting slave-berating only-book-I’ve-ever-opened types, you know the ones (not You, I hope — what are the chances a Jihadist is reading me? If you are, it goes toward proving one thing: anyone can have good taste).

Since we’re here I may as well remind all of us, for the sake of comedy and fact (both of which could suffer if taken the wrong way by some Muslims and liberals) that whatever I say next, remember that the picture I’m pointing to is that one over there of levitating Muhammad doing the glowing float behind ISIS who are gloriously chopping this and doing terrible something in his name to that. You’ll have to imagine floating Muhammad is glowing there, since it’s a sin to describe it. It’s a black velvet painting if that helps.

But back to the maniacs (not a bad word, merely an accurate one. Some words have gained an emotional cloud of weight but it’s not their fault. It’s our perception) these maniacs who make their life their level of commitment from an antique perspective to an interpretation, by today’s standards, barbaric. Call me a PC SJW, idc, I’m just giving you the good news first. The bad news is they seem so committed to that ancient obsession they are willing to kill themselves and pretty much anyone else in an increasingly obviously futile attempt to… to what? hold back the interminable inevitability of time? all the while tossing in the wake of said time? Everything changes – it’s what everythings do. Everythings and anythings only exist in the first place to be memories on the way to Something Else.

But Something Else hasn’t been reached — not to them way out there on a far end, holding fast on a perimeter where not so much as the 20th century has a reliable foothold, about as far as it goes before you start to fall off. Because…some people…insist on…keeping the…wheels spinning…in sand until…Allah.… knows……when, when by any questionnaire I’ve seen in any of the psychs I’ve ever thought of, the verdict would return a quick “Lock And Do Not Let Leave The Room”.

When you ask it the right questions, it begins to look like delusion — let’s be honest, I said ‘begins’ and ‘like’ so you don’t got me on nothing, keep yer bombs — a delusion that you can stop time; and not only stop time, but that you can somehow right now today stop time back there in the good old days, and then still be there; but that you can also take an entire futuro-modern civilization, rocketing forward on an out of control cusp, accelerated by hundreds of years of fuel-injected electro rave carnival funny car rock’n roll momentum, and make it… what? I don’t know: stop and think about why they aren’t choosing to live in cruel dusty poverty like the good old 2000 years ago days? Why we don’t change gods so instead of surprising my wife with gummy bears I can stripe her with a reed? What do the two religions have at all in common? Besides sexually I mean, but is atheism really the answer? Sure, a lot of the coolest people are atheists, and a lot of the best arguments are atheist, and a lot of the best podcasts are atheist, and a lot of the funniest comedy is atheist, but what was the question again?

Long story short: when I cause my liberal views to look through a self-constructed goggle of objective equality, whatever that is, I find myself becoming detached from the big picture. That’s relatively easy, since the issue of the devout scary Muslim invasion does not affect me personally, yet. My life so far is free of the effect of this world in profound crisis, that world out there, them millions of desperate innocent uprooted people living their lives in uncertainty and panic and transit, having babies, breaking up marriages, first loves meeting, friends losing touch, all in the wide open pending space where so many individuals, families, cultures find themselves without a homeland.

Being that removed from the events is a start, but I want to be so objective I can’t even see me when I’m writing this right here and now about it. You can see I need some practice. In the meantime, it doesn’t hurt that I’m reading Chuck Klosterman’s “But What If We’re Wrong”, a study of how future civilizations might look back on us, knowing how historians see the past. How will we appear, from an objective perspective, with all we come to know about now laid flat? My thoughts on it sound like I think they’ll question the rampantness of our liberal ideals while seemingly opposed to facts against it. They might wonder back at us, Hm, why’d they fight to fling open those doors of welcome into the Modern West to a fractionally, but consistently, hostile and potentially harmful Ancient Eastern thought pattern with a proven axe to grind against that very West, especially its modern ways? How did they find themselves battling against themselves to weaken what made them them and increase certain uncertainty with what has been a sworn enemy? How did a morality of the moment beat calculating rationality?

I know I know, you don’t agree while you do. It’s complicated, but we all do it, hold two opposing views at once, most of us. Me? I wish I was a solipsist, but I’m only an optimist, so at least I can find in the fact it’s happening two certainties:

  1. if there is a God, I got some questions for It
  2. the people running this planet would be under closer supervision if they were running a hot dog cart

That’s the problem with the whole situation: the human creature is like any baboon or boar: it’s  a class and status animal. But unlike humans, the baboon and the boar remain unevolved for eons, frozen in their development, forever as perfect as nature could make them. Nice enough, but simple creatures if you’ve ever met them. Generally pretty shallow but still lovely in their way. Most of them, anyway.

Humans are not simple. Just ask yourself. Did you? There you go, simple creatures don’t ask themselves. They, I mean we, break the banks of complicated rivers, and there is no computer alive can rival the mass effect of all those synaptic organic connections in your melon there, more connections than… well there’s a lot. More than there are round shapes in the world, think about that. You’re a freak of nature, you reading this: a being in the whole universe so very unlikely, an immensely bizarre conglomeration of particles that can sit there and read the word habituacationallary, whether or not it exists.

Compared to gibbons and roadrunners we are so complicated, in fact, that if there is a Creator it only makes sense that we should be so imperfect, being so not so easy to perfect. Dogs, our smartest best friends for example, I don’t see them nudging their plateaued slope of development any steeper these last few centuries. You’d think if anyone it’d be the dogs, or the dolphins, or maybe the pigs, they ran Animal Farm like a boss. Or octopi: it’s said you wouldn’t need a hundred of those to write Shakespeare. Mainly because they can work eight typewriters at once, let me hear it. I only made that joke because you would have thought of it yourself in four, three, two

One other nice thing about humans is when we learn from each other. We share information and learning and knowledge to better ourselves and one another and the species as a whole. We don’t refuse to communicate, we don’t reject the forward motion of time. We don’t make it our mission statement in life to retard to the point of stasis our own development, in the memory of some raw era where rational thinking was savagery’s bitch. We want to improve and develop. That is what makes us human, and separates us from the unchanging sloths and boas.

I’ve never been a big believer in “us vs them”, but sometimes it’s a slog to find enough in common with those most rabid haters of the Modern World to call them and me “we”. They’re something else, out there in a skinny, underpopulated region of the spectrum, and frankly I don’t see them changing much. It’s a powerful hate they wield; they’re plotting to kill your family, the family of modern man, your fellows are under siege by remorseless true believers, invaders hiding in the open, following strict orders from an untraceable translation of an unsourceable book. I mean, I’m as Christian as the next one (I’m not a Christian. Or am I a Christian whose sin is lying?) but I don’t get it, and I don’t particularly like it (and only ‘particularly’ because of those longforementioned distances between me and so far any direct effects of this global shaking and resetting, these mass ongoing migrations that someday will be over (and How will it look then?)). I heard Sweden stopped recording the religion of perps when taking rape reports, despite the jump of numbers in accordance with large numbers of refugee. Shirley that can’t be true.

Take it to its logical conclusion: Muslims, in many cases literally fresh off the boat, as far as the eye can see. People torn from the living midst of their lives, still living their customs and ways as the world takes them and their language far from home, their way of life, all these things still completely alive when they arrive in cities like Paris by the hundreds, with nowhere to stay, no work, no local tongue, little institutional help, and becoming less welcome by the hour. Finding destitution at their destination, time will work any combination of several logical changes on the Muslim. One of them is a growing animosity toward the increasingly hostile city, the country, the people where they have landed, all these wealthy people going about their French days and French lives while we live in bags in plain sight and hunger. At the same time, a deeply religious person relies much on faith when in difficult situations, so homeless Muslims stranded in the West find strength and peace in prayer together. Islam, Allah, Muhammad, Qu’ran, the whole bunch and their messages will be strengthened and reinforced.

In other words, get used to hearing the Shahada, “La ilaha illa Allah” (none has the right to be worshipped but Allah). It’ll be more legal to sing that than whistle at a woman, once the same liberal views that resulted in this chaos of refugees demand you go out of your way to ensure they have ample opportunity and facility to congregate and further strengthen their belief in a book that has been interpreted many times as a command to kill innocents.

I know I know. You defend Islam by attacking Christianity by saying, “But what about taking for the literal word of God, as a perfect reporting of exactly what He said word for word, a book that was delivered first through the angel Gabriel and then passed down orally for generations?” I’m tired, ask your mother.

In the meantime I can try not to imagine a mind so possessed by a lifelong indoctrination in looking backwards in time, dragging an anchor in a brutal past, hating the future, pulling itself back from the rest of modern humanity, choosing to die over evolving and adapting… It’s the biggest therapy session in the world. In the galaxy, probably; I’ll speak for Earth if it ever comes up, I think we have a solid entry.

In the end its really about accepting the world for what it is. I’m an optimist, and these underdog stories typically end with an enlightening of some sort. I hope this is one of those.


slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captive and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush
Quran (9:5)

Fighting is prescribed for you, and you dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.
Quran (2:216)



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